The Fillet Skillet: Woolworths

Everything Takes Longer Than Expected!

Thu, 22 Nov 2007 06:15:34 GMT

Isn't that what everybody says after typing "A and P" over and over again for two and a half hours straight?

I was shortening filenames so they would burn to a backup DVD properly. I may have carpel tunnel already.

In other news it is so hot today my air conditioning isn't working properly to cool my office down. I have it set to 24 degrees but the room temperature has been sitting at 29 for the past two hours. I can actually feel the heat radiating through the glass in the windows. Somehow I don't think it helps that I'm drinking hot tea, but I had to make some to cheer me up about my crippled hands.

Also, for goodness' sake do NOT tell me there was an easier way to do the file names. I'm aware that theoretically I could have done it some other way but I just didn't know how straight away and couldn't be bothered the annoyance of figuring out how different programs could have done it. I was only changing a small part of a file name, not the whole thing because there is a unique code attached to each file that I needed to keep, and that tends to confuse robots.

So there!

In other, other news I just want to go home so I can watch the remaining two episodes o' Heroes season two that are sitting on my laptop. I watched one this morning before I went to work and I think it was the worst decision I've ever made. I can't sit still because I'm squirming at the Heroes so much. Unfortunately when I go home I can't even watch it straight away because I have to cook dinner and then I have to play netball until about 9:00. It looks like I'm not going to be watching much Heroes until I go to bed tonight. Knowing me I won't be able to help myself and I'll watch both episodes straight after one another and stay up far too late.

It's ok though, it's late night shopping tomorrow night and I don't start work at the bookstore until the afternoon, so sleeping in is almost guaranteed.

The 'f' button on my keyboard at work is intermittently failing. Guess where.

Meaning of Concise

Mon, 29 Oct 2007 05:46:35 GMT

I was standing at the counter, smiling absently, as you're supposed to do, when a man came up and plonked an Australian Concise Oxford English Dictionary in front of me. This dictionary looks about as concise as its title.

"Do you know what concise means?" he asked. His face looked genuinely inquisitive.
"Well," I said eying the tome that sat in front of me, "I think 'concise' might just be in comparison to the huge multi-volume dictionary from... their office." I didn't really know of the existence of such a thing, but it was likely - given the evidence.

I think it showed, because I could feel my face give that involuntary spasm that it does when I'm unsure of something or when I answer the phone. I decided to use hand gestures to cover it. Didn't work. I think he noticed. Bugger.
"Yes," the man said, "probably." He shifted his weight from one foot to the other. I cleared my throat. He picked up the book.

"Concise," he read, "adjective. Of writing, style, or a person. Brief but comprehensive in expression."

He closed the book and smiled a very cheeky grin.
"Now you know!" he exclaimed. Then he took the book back to the shelf. I didn't say anything, for he had just rocked my world with me still in it. I was feeling rather dizzy.

Hey Brother! You Wanna Know What I Do? Yo!

Thu, 02 Aug 2007 03:38:32 GMT

I reckon you might be interested to know what I've been up to at work for the past 6 months. At Aboriginal Resource and Development Services (ARDS) I do some audio mastering of their educational programs that go on the radio in North-East Arnhem Land. For the longest time I was working on the educational programs explaining the Strongyloides worm. It was a pretty long slog, because to someone like me who has no language barrier with my doctor, if she says that I have Strongyloides I can just ask her what that is and she can explain it to me.

But for a Yolngu person to whom English is likely their sixth language, they can't really ask just like that. Also the cultural gap is huge, and they tend not to ask questions from doctors for a number of very complex reasons. But if someone tells them about the problem in their own language in a culturally relevant way, then the Yolngu people can get a really good grasp of the problem and do something about it. Understandably this means that the people out there living on communities just love these programs because it explains things that they've never been told about before.

If you want to hear some of these programs, that I've been working on (like the Strongyloides ones) then you can click here and then click on the boxes next to the Strongyloides programs (I don't know why they're not in order, I'll have to talk to our web guy). The quality of these programs is ok, the recordings I was given weren't great but I'm not exactly an awesome audio technician either. But they're pretty good and understandable. They have programs on other stuff too. Look here.

I'm glad to work for ARDS, even though I don't do much compared to everyone else who works here.

By the way, I'm not tryin' 2 be gangsta in the title. 'Yo' in Yolngu Matha means 'yes' and always has. It's pronounced slightly differently to how I expect you would pronounce it though.

And so that's what I do at work!

Like, I'm Not Dead! I'm Not! Really!

Sun, 07 Jan 2007 13:40:51 GMT

So yes. I haven't updated in a few days. It's kind of weird not coming here every day and letting you all know about the meagre goings-on in my life. I've been a bit busy lately, saying goodbye and stuff. People like to do things with you when you are going away for a while. I even got a present ^_^ It was a CD, Jars of Clay's "Good Monsters".

Woo! Go obscure Christian music!

Tee hee, none of you will know who they are. Just rest assured that they funk pretty hard

And other news? Oh well my dears, I have a little bit of news. Just a little. And it's pretty awesome....

I'M UNEMPLOYED! YAY!

I finished up at Woolworths just on Saturday (yesterday). Needless to say it was the longest five hours of my life. Especially since I had to stay back for a (paid) extra 15 minutes. But that was cool. And now I'm all finished. My only regret is that I was unable to do the weird thing of asking someone "eat here or take away?" I was going to do that for my last ever supermarket customer. In my head, the conversation would have gone a bit like this:

Me: "Eat here or take away?"

Customer: "What was that my good sir?"

Me: "Eat here or take away?"

Cus: "Oh my, we are in a supermarket did you not know?"

Me: "Why yes I did happen to notice that"

Cus: "Oh-ho you cheeky devil, how clever of you!"

Me: "Yes well I thought so"

Cus: "I will take this food away, on account of I have nowhere to sit and eat it all here"

Me: "What a good choice my good man"

Cus: "Yes well I thought so"

Unfortunately I wasn't able to because my last ever supermarket customer was a rather overweight lady who had bought a lot of soft-drink for a party, as well as a birthday cake. In this scenario the conversation would have gone a little bit like this:

Me: "Eat here or take away?"

Lady: "I beg your pardon?"

Me: "Uh... eat here or take away?"

Lady: "... what?"

Me: "It's... a joke... just a..."

Lady: "How hurtful!"

Me: "That's not what I meant I...!"

Lady: *cries*

So you can see the difference between those two little role-plays, thus necessitating my need to abort the plan. But in all other ways, it was an excellent venture into unemployment. I hope it ends as soon as possible. Give me a job ASAP! But not too soon, if you know what I mean. I need to get to Darwin first, tee hee.

So I'm leaving the day after tomorrow. I hope it all goes well. Pray that it's a safe journey for us please ^_^ Jeshua is here too, did you know that? He's a childhood friend of mine who's driving with me. I can't remember if I've told you guys that or not.

It's looking like I can steal Mum's camera and then post it back to her once I'm done which is good. That way I can show you all my journey! I'll try to find a McCafe or other McDonalds along the way that has wireless internet access and I'll update you all halfway (hopefully with pictures). It'll be a roadtrip blogged on the internet! Woo hoo!

But if it doesn't work out this may be the last time I talk to you guys for at least a few days, so see you until then. Also, once I'm in Darwin I'll probably update only once every few days again. The daily updating thing was fun while it lasted you guys. See you soon!

Fillet

You're Not People!

Fri, 06 Oct 2006 10:55:18 GMT

This is the attitude I think all people have but on a subconsious level. People almost do this to me from time to time. Once a lady actually did it. I was angry but then she left the store and I laughed spitefully at her. Oh, I'm working tomorow.

By the way, if you haven't noticed that embedded link on the first word of this post it isn't going to make sense to any of you.

Fillet

The Story of the Skeleton Lady

Sun, 13 Aug 2006 08:17:39 GMT

I was going to tell you this story to you all last night but then my computer froze and I lost the entry. Honest. Ask Azukar, he'll set you straight.

But now I'm going to tell you all about a person I met yesterday at work. She was my second-last customer and I was just about ready to head off home. I hadn't had a bad shift but I was set to go because I hadn't sat down in 3.75 hours. But anyway, this lady comes and hovers over to my register with a small child and a man. But the child and the man are not important. You want to know about the woman, the others are of no consequence to the story.

She was hovering because she was wearing a very long, black, dress. She was very tall and had a very thin build. Her face had no cheeks and she had very dark eyes. Her hair came down to her hips and was bleached white but had black streaks in it. So essentially she looked like the walking dead. She had the skeleton fingers and everything. I don't think I can put enought emphasis on exactly how corpse-like she was, hovering around scaring all the other 'checkout operators'. Seriously, she had just risen from the grave and was out to eat our brains. At least, before she spoke.

I never knew that the living dead had South African accents. She and I had a lovely talk about the insubstantial things that people talk about with strangers they don't know. She told me about how she and her brother left South Africa because of the violence and then I told her that I'd been to South Africa a few years earlier. She told me that it cost $1100 dollars to bring her cat with her from over there and that before the move the cat would eat anything but then the quarantine people were feeding it caviar or something because now it's fussier than Her Majesty herself. She had a lot of groceries so we were talking for a while and it was all very lovely. All in all, she was a very nice lady and I decided that she didn't want to eat my brains or strangle me with those uncannily long fingers after all.

So what's the lesson to be told from all this? I guess I could use the old don't-judge-a-book-by-its-cover moral but I'm sure you're all well versed in that one as it is. So I don't know. Perhaps there is no moral and that's just a social construct that we make to give meaning to what happens to us (thankyou plilosophy). In either case, after I'd served her I served this other guy who was much more boring than she was and then I went home. But only after eating a pie and a doughnut.

In other Woolworths news, my sister, Jenny, has got herself a job with a Woolies in Brisbane doing exactly the same thing that I'm doing. She used to be a supervisor in the Woolies at Darwin but then left to work for the government. Now she's back at uni guess where she ends up? This worries me because I'm afraid that I, too, will end up going back to my old Woolworths job after... ooh... around 10 years. Does working at a supermarket ever leave you?!? Will they ever let you go? They should tell you about that before you join, as a sort of safety warning.

Fillet

It's like vanilla... but with a different flavour

Fri, 21 Jul 2006 14:18:40 GMT

I tend to blog about work alot and most of it is amazingly unremarkable. But something happened to me today that will make a good story.

By the way, I'm aware that I've been avoiding all of you on MSN for the past couple of days. Just to let you know, it's not you, it's me.

But back to my story. It's a great story and it all starts with me going to uni today to buy two of my textbooks for a subject I have called 'News and Politics' it was quite an exy excercise costing me $120 which is just about the entire three weeks rent I've managed to conjure up by sleeping in the study. I felt depressed and it didn't help when I stopped in at Woolworths Mudgeeraba only to find out that I have no hours to work again next week. My boss felt bad for me and swore that she would call me if anything came up. I thought that that was what she said last week as well so I didn't believe her. I went home.

She rang up. "Hi darl guess what? I've got a shift for you but it's in Palm Beach. Do you want to work in Palm Beach until six today?" I thought what the hell, a shift is a shift. I couldn't have said no for no good reason, she would never call me again. I said yes and got driven to Palm Beach Woolies to do the shift. That's when I realised that I would be working in a real Woolies and not one that used to be an Action that used to be a Franklands and that hasn't had a proper upgrade in 10 years. In a real Woolies you don't use a phone, you ring a bell. In a real Woolies you have the bags in front of you and not next to you. In a real Woolies the lift shute is not in front of your face, it's at your feet and you have to push a button to make it go.

All this stuff is pretty standard in every Woolies except mine so when I tried to explain this to the Woolies staff at Palm Beach they looked slightly bemused. I worked only three hours but hey, it was work. I'd forgotten all the product codes that I need to use to do my job properly but hey, I still got paid... right?

Right?

I will have if I got my employee number right. I'm sure I'm dyslexic or something because when he (the service supervisor at the Palm Beach Woolies) asked me what it was I told him a number that started with two 5's and only had one 2 in the middle. Looking back, the real number starts with only one 5 and has two 2's in the middle.

I realised my mistake only after I'd left the store so I had to hunt down the phone number, not easy considering that the store turns out not to be technically in Palm Beach but just across the highway in Ellanora. Plus there are two Woolworths in Ellanora including the Palm Beach one, so instead of calling it the Ellanora Woolies 2 or the Palm Beach Woolies they call it something completely different from either of those names, Palm Waters. I rang up Palm Waters Woolworths and told them I was looking for the Palm Beach/Ellanora Woolies and the lady on the other end told me I had the wrong place. I was confused and told my Mum and she asked me whether I'd called interstate because she doesn't know a Palm Waters in Queensland. I then looked it up in the phone book and found out that I had it right all along so then I could finally get the pay thing sorted out.

So the whole experience was like eating vanilla icecream, very familiar and very same-y yet it had a different flavour at the same time. It didn't make me want to work there as my usual place of employment, I was too tall for the bag racks yet again. I think I'm too tall for supermarkets full stop.

Now I must get to bed before 1:00 this morning, I have nothing to do tomorow.

**UPDATE**

I got woken up this morning by my supervisor looking to get me in at 2:00 for a three hour shift. I said yes so now that's where I'm off to thisafternoon. In a very strange sort of way I'm looking forward to it!

**UPDATE II**

And what do you know? I did enjoy it. Also in the course of my thinking about stuff during work I realised that my boss would be dangerously unhappy (or should that just be upset? As in sad upset?) if she ever found this blog for some reason... Stranger things have happened.

In Response to the Dissapointment

Fri, 14 Jul 2006 04:27:11 GMT

So I come back from a week away and what response do you give me? "That blog wasn't as thrilling as some of the others". Well thankyou Tom, I'm glad that you find my blogs thrilling even if yesterday's effort wasn't so crash-hot. You could have said 'welcome back' or 'wow it must have been exciting' or 'do you think you're going to go to Sydney?' But no. I'm really bitter now...

But to subdue your insatiable need for hot, steamy servings of Fillet I will relate a story about how Coles has now ruined my life. Yes Coles. Thankyou Coles, for ruining my life like you have done. I really appreciate it.

How has Coles ruined my life? Well despite my assertions that my hours at Woolworths would be fine because I am experienced and a good checkout... erm... person my hours have now been cut down to nothing. Yes, nothing. How am I supposed to live on nothing? I haven't been fired from Woolworths, they just aren't giving me any hours because now there is too much competition from Coles next door. So I'm in limbo. I have a job but I don't have a job. It's like some form of Pergatory for uni students or some twisted form or Nirvana where everything is poor.

So does anyone know of a good job that I could do? One that's nearby and pays well but is flexible enough to work with my uni hours?

I'm like a ship without a rudder stuck in a sea without a breeze.

Lost.

Aimless.

Alone.

And so, with the cheery sounds of my cousin's Cat Empire CD tinkling from my room, I shall begin using the word shall because it reflects my state of distress at having no income this week (because of Coles) and last week (because of the UC thing) and most of the week before. I suppose this is the reason I've been saving - for times like this.

Did I mention that my cousin and his mum and step-dad are staying with us right now? Yes they are. He's good at making me look bad because he's 14 and practices Viola or something for 2 hours evey day. Plus he knows classical music by name, compser and movement. I sneaked a look at his iPod yesterday just to see what was on it. Bach and Chopin mostly. But then right at the bottom there was, of all things, that song from the South Park Movie, Carl's Mom is a Bitch.

Sure, I may have Dragostea din tei on my iPod but there you go.

I got invited to my brother's wedding today which was exciting. I'm not allowed to bring a partner though it seems because it just said 'Invites Rohan' and not 'Rohan and Friend'. What if I miraculously aquire a girlfriend between now and November? Oh... right.

I'm seeing Ten Canoes later on tonight. I'd better send that reflective piece to that NSW magazine. But before I do that I'd better write it first.

I'm smiling at you!

Today's Work Experience

Tue, 27 Jun 2006 13:16:05 GMT

Today I woke up on my on volition, the morning unmarred by any telephonic terrorism on the part of Woolworths. My Dad was out doing some shopping by the time I arose and I contented myself with watching morning television and contemplating when I should go on the internet and write my entry about Ellen's Amazing Race (It's coming, seriously I swear). As far as I was aware, I had the day to myself so I didn't hurry. It was nice and relaxing and peaceful. Dad got home and made a cup of tea for us both and then just as I had finished it my mobile rang.

(Saying that my mobile 'rang' is only for simplicity's sake. To all those in the know, my mobile does not ring. Instead it more or less verbally abuses me in the voice of either Gollum or Smeagol until I actually answer the call. Yes even my mobile is weird. I dread the day that it goes off in a lecture theatre.)

Now I had to stop and think about who could be calling me on my mobile at this time of day. The only actual person who rings me is Jacinta. Oh yeah and my sister. At least, she used to because ringing me was cheaper than ringing my Mum - the person she really wanted to talk to - but then Mum got on Vodaphone too so now Jenny will ring her directly. Oh well. The other person is Work. Did I want to accept this call? My phone didn't give me much choice in the matter:

"Hello Rohan pick up the phone 'cause somebody's ringing you. Pick it up. Now. NOW! Pick it up! Quickly! Quickly! Pick up the phone! They're gonna hang up! Quick! QUICK!"

I picked up the phone and sure enough it was my supervisor angling to drag me away from my normal life so that I could serve customers for four hours. After a short yet exceedingly awkward conversation I agreed to do so aginst my better judgement. I happen to be in this particular supervisor's good books and I don't want to ruin that. Plus I need the money if I want to keep my options open. An extra $48 this week is nothing to be sneezed at, especially since I spent $35 on The Race last week.

I spent an uneventful 4 hours in the 10 items or less lane standing next to that tobacco that makes me feel so very very ill. I got a headache again and I didn't see that movie that I had borrowed from the Library a couple of days ago. Still, it was $48...

Something is awfully wrong when a guy interrupts his life for 48 dollars don't you think? Wouldn't you reckon that a guy such as myself ought to be able to work only so much and focus the rest of his time on more productive activities than lining the pockets of Woolworths/Safeway Ltd? Like learning Esperanto or writing my blog entry for Ellen's Amazing Race or writing a short story or something?

But no. Such is the power of cash, 48 dollars drew me out of my day of peace and onto the foundations of comsumerism. The grocery store. We can't live without them anymore since we gave up on the whole farming idea yet we hate them so passionately. What's with that?

Also, breaking news, Coles is opening on the 10th of July.

AUAGGGGGHHHHHH!

Mon, 26 Jun 2006 06:15:30 GMT

*Sleeping soundly*

...

*Still sleeping*

...

*Ring ring*

...

(!)

...

*Knock knock*

"Rohan, did you know that you were supposed to be at work at 8 o'clock?"

AUAGGGGHHHHH!

"I don't even work on Mondays! How could such an atrocity happen to me? I checked my hours twice, TWICE last week! Good grief! It's 8:45!"

I sprung out of bed, my head reeling from the shock and stress of being told that you are late for work on a day you didn't even know that you were supposed to be working.

"I don't even work on Mondays!"

I skip breakfast and eat a musli bar instead. I run around the house like a madman, vault into the car and get to work by 9:00. My supervisor is laughing at me for being so late and I'm fuming that I have to go to work. One of the ladys who works on the checkouts says "Good afternoon Rohan". I smile sweetly but we both work in customer service so she knew that smile all too well. It's the smile that is the rough equivalent to a dirty scowl. I had to work until 12:00 and I had a headache. They say that customer service jobs are the worst ones for your health because you have to smile when you feel like slapping someone. That causes stress that causes bad gremlins to start to attack your youthful looks and good humour. That's why all the old women who still work in supermarkets look like witches and sound like power drills.

Or it could be the smoking.

But that's beside the point. I was at work today and the shock of this morning and the confusingness of the entire situation made it worse than usual. To be honest it was, erm, ok but I had a headache and everyone was laughing at me. Until another guy didn't show up either and was too clever to be contactable by the store. They were down one person and had to ask me to work an extra hour. I thought about my headache and how I just didn't want to be there but then I thought about that extra $12 and said yes, I would work until 1:00.

Then I met this guy:

G: "Heyhow'reyoudoinggood?"

R: "Fine thankyou"

G: "That'sgood.HeyIcanseethatColesisnearlyupandrunningnextdoordoyoureckonit'llhaveaneffectonbusiness?"

R: *Pauses* "Mabie."

G: "YeahImightcheckitoutonceortwicebutI'msurethatit'llbenodifferenttothisstorereallydoyouthink?"

R: *Blank look*

G: "YeahIdon'tthinksoeither.Thespecialsareprettygoodhereheydon'tyoureckon?"

R: *Squints* (Says in that unsure, deliberate tone I use when I don't really understand) "Yes"

G: "Yeahthespecialsherearereallygreatlikethosemultibuythingsyouhavethey'rejustfantasic"

R: (Noncommital 'hmmm')

This guy is the fastest talker I have ever heared. To be honest I didn't understand a single word he said except for 'specials' and 'Coles'.

Damnit! Everyone asks me about Coles. "When's the Coles opening next door do you know?" "Oh Coles, the store will be all new and shiny. Do you know if they will have parcel pickup?" "Coles! Coles! Coles! I want to have your baby!" "Oh that Coles will be opening soon I bet, do you think you'll lose your job?" "Coles is opening! Yay, now I can get out of this dump!"

See, I don't actually care about Coles opening. If I loose my job becasue nobody wants to go to Woolworths I don't care, I'll just get another. If there are less customers then I don't care, I don't have to do as much work. But honestly, I DON"T KNOW WHEN COLES IS OPENING NEXT DOOR! Also, I DON'T CARE ABOUT YOUR CONSPIRICY THEORIES ABOUT HOW COLES IS TAKING OVER THE GOLD COAST.

Ok, I've had enough yelling for now. Just know that I don't care so you can all stop talking to me about Coles. *Glares at Mudgeeraba*

Finally, don't forget to read about my At The Movies experience last Wednesday. Sometimes when I do two posts in one day some of you just click on the direct link and don't see the first one. That is annoying. Don't click on the direct link please!

Wolworths madness. Madness I tell you!

Sat, 29 Apr 2006 10:30:06 GMT

I just realised that when I'm at work I consistantly use the wrong tense when I'm talking to people. Consistantly!

I speak in past tense all the time when I'm talking to customers. It makes some sort of sense but not really correctly.

The revelation came today after asking "Did you want that in a bag on it's own" when the customer clearly wanted it in a seperate bag now and not yesterday. Somehow in my consistant repeating of the same questions and phrases I've gotten stuck in the past and can't seem to pull myself into the present. Also I'm really tired right now, so much so that just then I tried to spell "phrases" with an f.

Why am I tired? Well today I worked an all day shift which I think I've never done before. Plus it's a public holiday on Monday (labour day) and everybody does this whole freakout thing where they all rush to the store to make sure they don't get caught when all the stores are closed. The consequense of this is inevidably that they buy things that they don't actually need and the whole problem is compounded by the fact that, albeit a public holiday, the store IS OPEN on Monday. Ok, public broadcast, the only days that Woolworths (or any other supermarket for that matter) is closed is on CHRISTMAS DAY, GOOD FRIDAY and ANZAC DAY. Honestly the colective consciousness of this community must have an IQ equivalent to that of a bunch of shallots.

Despite what everybody says, I say that public holidays make the economy more money than they make it lose just by that very reason. Sure, the employees get paid double-time-and-a-half on that one day but the two or three days before the holiday everybody's out with their wallets open and their money hanging out all over the place. It's very unsightly and some people should just get a room!

It wasn't actually as bad as I thought, I was really just put on a register when it was busy. All the rest of the time (well, some of the time, a little bit of the time) I spent ticking off cartons of cigarettes from an order our store had received. While it isn't as tiring as serving brainless consumers, sorting different colourful boxes emblazened with pictures of gangrenous appendages isn't exactly settling for the tummy. All in all though, I enjoyed the experience of sorting the boxes and finding them on the list and ticking them off and would happily do it again.

And to be honest, for all the whining I do about the customers and how utterly idiotic and totally beligerant they are I do enjoy sucking up to them. Well mabie that's an overstatement. Actually that was totally gross. Scratch it from the record. What I do enjoy is the "sense of satisfaction that I've served a customer well" which sounds like it's come straight out of a Woolworths training video. That second statement was not much better so let me explain. While I've been told repeatedly that I'm to slow, I make mistakes blah blah blah by Woolworths I get this very evil little sense of self satisfaction when a customer tells me that I'm a good checkout operator. Because as we all know, no matter how silly they are, the customer is always right.

Still, much to the dispair of some of my loyal customers, I'm out of there as soon as I get my P's and I can drive myself to some other place of employment for 18 year old uni students. Oh yes. That day will be sweeter than when I finished high-school.

What do I mean by loyal customers? Well it may seem contrite but I actually have customers that are loyal to me. Not to Woolworths, not to the store but to me. I can think of at least three, mabie four or five that would stop shopping there if they found out I left. I'm not kidding, they like me that much. Well I know that two of those five would still shop there but would be sorely dissapointed to see me go and will probably mention that to my supervisors once I've gone. I know, ooh three of those people through church but the other two (the two that would still shop there) I've managed to enrapture with my charm alone. I'm seriously not kidding. These people will come up to me at Robina shopping centre (not the one that I work at) and want to talk to me when I'm not working. I have so much power. It's a good thing that I'm not letting it go to my head.

Ok so that was past tense, gangrenous appendages, public holidays and loyal customers... what else was there? Honestly I can't remember but this post is looong. Do people just stop reading after a while? I should say something really controvertial at the end here to see if people notice and flame me. Hmm, how about "I know for an absolute fact that Orlando Bloom is gay" that should garner some empassioned comments/death threats. Also "breaking news! Half-Life Three has been bumped forward and will be released tomorrow by surprise!"

A less controvertial one is that Cyclone Monica missed Darwin in the end so all of you now can bemoan the survival of the city of my origin and tell me all sorts of mean things about it.

Rohan

Woolworths = Heroin Dealer

Sun, 12 Mar 2006 11:25:11 GMT

Now I realise that nobody has commented on my birthday post. Something that has rather shocked me considering so much of my readership were involved in the event. Not even a 'Happy Birthday!'. So at the risk that Woolworths will fire me and drag me through the courts untill I'm raw and bloody I've decided to stoop to the lowest controvertial denominator. Woolworths is like a heroin dealer. How? Let me enlighten you...

On Tuesday 'Gourmet' (which are really the crappy variety) tomatoes cost $2.50 a kilo and the Hydroponic tomatoes (which are far superior in quality) are $4.00 a kilo. Everybody buys the crappy tomatoes because they are cheaper. Next Monday the hydroponic tomatoes drop in price to $2.00 a kilo. Now customers, being rather obsevant of these things, realise that the nice, hydroponic tomatoes are cheaper than their crappy cousins. They buy the hydroponic tomatoes. At home they relish the fuller flavour and the extra tomatoyness of them. They rush back to the store to buy more the next week. But look... Hydroponic tomatoes are now $4.00 a kilo again. Now the customers, used to the tomato high-life of the week previous are reluctant to go back to the old tomatoes and so buy the hydroponic tomatoes foreverandever until they run out of money becaue they spent it all on tomatoes.

Contrast this with a heroin dealer:

Dealer: "Hey, do you want some <insert street name here>?"

Little Kid: "Naw, I don't get mixed up in that"

Dealer: "Cmon, it'll be fun... and I'll tell you what... the first one is free"

Little Kid: "OK!"

Does this seem similar to you? It does to me. I just hope that I'm not the only one who picked up this evil scheme. If I was, well, now you're much the wiser .

Oh, and speaking of evil schemes (although the following isn't really an evil scheme) what's with the British banning our tourism ad? "Where the bloody hell are you?". Actually I'm not mad like some people are about it I just think it's ironic that the people who taught us how to swear in the first place are now suddenly offended by it all. Or was it the Irish that taught us how to swear? Oh well, back then they were one and the same anyway weren't they? *titter*. Now all I have to do is wait for the deluge of angry Irishmen commenting on my blog telling me how cultureally insensitive I am. Heh heh heh...

If you want to be a jocky, eat less cake

Sat, 25 Feb 2006 09:53:57 GMT

Nothing to do with what happened to me today but an important life lesson nonetheless. (Courtesty of Funniest Home Videos. I wasn't actually watching, I just heared it then. Really I did.)

Anyway, the true summation of my day today is that Woolworths is so crap it has dags on. Ever since Woolies has taken over everything has gone down the toilet. Do you know that one of the racks that holds the plastic bags for the checkout operator is currently held together with rubber bands? Woolworths has not fixed one single thing in my department (customer service) since it took over my store. Eventually it will be refitted but I don't know when. Probably when Coles (the third one in a radius of, ooh, I don't know, a kilometre?) opens up next door and there's some actual competition.

If you hadn't guessed I was at work today. I was next to the tobacco cabinets for half my sift today and for some reason my body just decided that it would become ultra sensitive to the smell of unburnt tobacco. Now I've worked in that same spot at least a dozen times before but today I just felt like throwing up. Not only that but there was what I thought was a funny smell coming out from the cabinet (it was really just the smell of tobacco I was reacting to) and I thought (probably correctly) that it was coming from one of the packets of tobacco. I take a sniff to see if I'm correct and I discover that it is no ordinary packet of tobacco. It's a super-extra tarred up tobacco plant of death super strong packet of tobacco and I'm met with the full force of its stench. It smelled like someone was blowing cigarette smoke right into my face and that was through the plastic wrapper it was in. That didn't help matters.

So now I'm sitting here writing this blog feeling woozy and reminding myself that I will never break my status as a never-smoker. And I'm in a very bad mood. Which is a shame because these are my last few days of childhood. As of tomorrow I will have exactly one week of childhood left after which I get more responsible. Supposedly anyway. My experience with it is that you actually lose any sense of responsibility you had as a 17 year old. But we'll see.

Yesterday was a better day for me because I went to my second and final day of university orientation. I took some short lectures on essential study skills and the like which I was already painfully familiar with from highschool. Trust me, if you've done senior history or legal studies you don't need to me taking these lectures. So why was this a good day? Because they weren't all that bad and because I met up with a few of my friends again. We made a final and difinitive count on how many people are going to that campus from out year level. It's thirteen. Yes thirteen people which is almost one-fifth of our entire year level. It's like we've just transplanted our own little Hillcrest community into that of Griffith University. I also got membership to all the various pubs and clubs in anticipation for 'adulthood'. The girl from the Rose and Crown even gave me a hat and called me tiger. Then again she was calling everyone tiger so I didn't feel too honoured by that title. I got a hat though which is... cool. I don't wear hats normally.

Oh yeah and today I saw my first ever nun. That is, at least, the first ever nun I can remember seeing in the flesh before. Right now I bet all you people who went to Catholic primary schools or go to Catholic churches are like 'so what?' but I, as a member of the Uniting Church, do not often come into contact with nuns and so I thought it was very cool. I tried to look less like I was going to throw up on my shoes when she was there. She didn't actually buy anything, she was with this other guy in casual clothes who bought something off me. At first I thought it might be her son and then I realised that nuns take vows of celibacy. She could have had him before she became a nun though couldn't she? Can you still be a nun after having kids? See? I don't know how these things work so it was all very mysterious to me. As mysterious as seeing a nun in a supermarket while you are feeling sick from cigarette smells can be that is. I still dont know why I found that tobacco so gross today. I don't usually mind it. In fact, I never noticed it smelled before today.

Oh well, I'm going to go now and try and feel a little less nauseous.

Fri, 10 Feb 2006 13:08:51 GMT

Hi how are you?

...

That's good, how was your day?

...

That's good.

...

Would you like this meat in a separate bag?

...

No? Ok.

...

Ok, your eggs are in this one so just be careful with that there. Yep that's right.

...

Alright that will be <Insert monitary amount in here>.

Any cash out with that?

No? Ok.

Insert card...

Select account...

Okay.

Just sign here for me. Yep at the bottom.

...

Mmhmm, that's the same all right. (Pause for hollow laughter even though it's not funny)

Ok then have a great day. Bye.

(Now repeat ad nausium for 5+ hours)

This is what my job consists of. This conversation and (according to my supervisors) scanning groceries too slow. Seriously I can't speed it up any more. Leave me alone. Waa.

I was just recording it for posterity or however you spell it just in case I get another job at Robina. Yes that's right, there's a possibility of me getting another job. This job, however, is also kind of bad. Not because of the sheer boredom of it (although I'm sure it is boring too) but because of the painful typicality of the thing. Try and guess now what it is before I tell you and I almost garauntee you that half of you will get it (not including Ellen though because I already told her this news). It's something reallllllly obvious so don't think too hard. Nooooo you're thinking too hard. Try again. That's it. Think about as basicly as you can. Ok I'm going to tell you now and you're all going to go 'TYPICAL!'. I garauntee it.

It's at Collins Booksellers. Yes that's right, Rohan Salmond, son of Mr Salmond the librarian is applying for a job at a bookstore. Why do I heap this upon myself? Why? When I told Ellen she's like "ooohhh, yeah, that's cool... *cough*".

But anyway I was walking along today and I saw a positions vacant sign in the bookstore and I thought, "I know stuff about books! I could work at Collins." So I ask about it and they ask me a few questions (some of them which they aren't actually allowed to ask like 'how old are you?' but I didn't mind all that much) and then proceeded to tell me that I sounded perfect for the job. Keep in mind that at this stage I hadn't told them that my dad is a librarian or that I'm an avid reader. All they know now is that I'm turning 18 next month, I'm at uni this year, I'm male and I like Napoleon Dynamite (the last two ascertained by physical appearance. I was wearing my "I see you're drinking 1%" shirt. Probably not the best for first impressions but who cares?).

So anyway, I have to submit my resume tomorrow if I want an interview. If I don't get this job, it's OK because I realise how typical and unoriginal it is of me. It's like me wearing black, white, blue and/or brown all the time. I want to wear green damnit! I want to wear green! I have my old, unsatisfying job to fall back on and it means that I can apply for casual office job positions during uni... or at Electronics Boutique where I will be treated as a god among men... I don't know why I just said that. I would probably be ridiculed becuase I don't know anything about computer hardware or about the latest PlayStation releases. So why do I want to work there again?

My ultimate job would be to work in a Christian Bookstore where I can talk knowledgeably about all the latest Christian music releases. I could recomend people my favourite bands to people... I would know what's coming out before Vivienne... I could own it before Vivienne... *gasp!* I could GET A DISCOUNT!!! Auaghhhhhhhhhh! So exciting!!!! OOhh! ... calming down now... Unfortuneately Christian bookstores are thin on the ground around here, most being in Brisbane and only having one on the Gold Coast which is in Southport a million miles away from where I live. *sigh*. I wish one would open up nearby. You just watch, one will open up two months after I get this new job at Robina and then I'll feel too guilty about leaving them one month after training and I won't take up the opportunity to work in my dream job. So why did I apply for this bookstore job again? Because there was a sign out the front. That's why. And yes, if you don't put a sign out the front you don't get people like me wearing "Is that 'cuz you think you're fat?" tee shirts walking through the door. See? I applied without even thinking!

Still, it's a change and change is good for me right now. 2006 is going to be a year of totally different things for me. But I'm still not dyeing my hair black. I was going to dye it red there for a while but then Ellen stole my thunder so now I think I won't bother. I still want to dye it though or do I? I don't know anymore. It can't be green though because then people think that it's a mistake. ("Ooh did you try and bleach your hair poor dear?") *shudder*

Anyway, got to go to bed now. Got work at Woolies to go to and then an interview at Collins. I told my boss that I was only applying for office jobs. Ooh well. It's nothing personal. It's just that... I need a change. Three years is a long time to be repeating the same conversation.

Have a nice day (dot dot dot)

Let me just say this post will suck...

Sun, 15 Jan 2006 10:06:15 GMT

Today is the worst Sunday I had in a while. Why? Many reasons but the main one is bittersweet. I worked today, for five hours, and that sucked. That's the bitter but here's the sweet: I got paid time and a half for it! Car registration here we come!... damnit.

So I'm coming down from the euphoria of the last week at PlanetShakers and that's not a good thing but I'll soon get over it. I have all these things to stress about now and most of them include not getting any money from work because now I'm avaliable less that I was at school because I cannot drive on my own in a car. There is no public transport where I live. Now can you see why I don't have a social life? I'm blaming it on public transport.

Speaking of social life I really want to go and see that movie The Producers with somebody but I think most of my friends went to see it already. Anyone who hasn't seen it yet please contact me and we'll go and see it sometime soon.

Hmm this is a sucky post. And here I am getting you all excited by putting something new on and then having you all find out it was a hoax. Well it wasn't a hoax it's just that I'm stuffed right now. I'll do my best.

This guy tried to steal a whole bag of lettuce from me today. He filled it up with hydroponic lettuces and pretended that it was loose lettuce leaves which he could get for free. My supervisor stopped him though.

Ok ok, I didn't do that sory justice so I won't tell you all about my war with a spider in my bathroom last night either. I'll leave that untill I'm feeling more perky and less depressed and mabie you'll get some laughs out of it. If I told it now you'd all just go, "that was a crap story Rohan I don't know why you told us that". So you'll all just have to suffer.

You all know Jesh? The friend biter and emotional terrorist from my festy childhood paradise? Yeah that's him. He's got a blog now too. It kinda sucks right now but I'm sure he'll fix it up soon along with all the pictures (a surprising number) he owns of me in incriminating situations. You can use the site to hurl abuse at him though if you want to. Or to support his evil schemes against me. Either way he'll be glad to be getting some traffic through his page.

Ok, I'm going now to veg out somewhere in a gutter mabie. Does my bedroom count as a gutter?

Ok, bad attempt at humour. I'm really going now.

Bye! (You know I never knew how much I hated the exclamation mark until today)