The Fillet Skillet: Spider Stories

Requiem for Toilet Spider

Fri, 27 Oct 2006 15:09:18 GMT

In the closing minutes of Friday the 27th of October, a failed attempt to relocate an arachnid closely resembling that of 'Toilet Spider' resulted in the hedious amputation of three of his legs in the bathroom of entertainment blogger Fillet of the Skillet.

Mr Skillet was quoted as saying, "When I tried to catch him in the bottle I squashed three of his legs when he moved by accident."

"Then when I went to put him out of his misery he spazzed out!"

A spokespider for Toilet Spider refused to confirm or deny whether it actually was Toilet Spider who was involved in the incident.

It is unclear whether Mr Skillet will be charged with an offence.

For a fuller report of the story, find a detailed account by Mr Skillet himself below.

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Ok guys, this just just happened to me just then. I'm breaking this news baby! Just like a real blog! When I went into the bathroom to use the toilet and have a shower I saw a spider which I think was Toilet Spider away from behind the toilet! I figured this was my chance to nab the wreched thing because otherwise it would just dissapear behind the vanity again. I got the bottle from next to the sink that I keep there for catching Toilet Spider and hovered it over the spider horizontally becuase he was on a wall.

I hovered for just a second and then struck, like a puma! It was such a heroic moment for me, I wish you could have been there. But the spider was too damn clever for his own good! He moved not one centimetre but it was enough for the bottle to come crashing down on one set of legs, completely severing them from his body! He did what all spiders do in that situation, curled up into a ball and bounced - literally bounced! - around the floor, halfway across the room. And he lay so still there but I knew that he wasn't dead. I felt so sorry for the poor thing, I was only trying to save its life after all.

I quickly got the flyspray and came back. I squirted him with a long, solemn squirt - and he spazzed out again! This time he bounced into the middle of the room and twiched like mad there for a good ten seconds. Then he stopped. I squatted nearby, weary of further spazzing and watched him for a bit. And when I was satisfied that he was, indeed, dead I did whatever any self-respecting blogger would do.

I went to get the camera.

When I came back I pointed the camera at the corpse to take a photo but he was hard to see on the green tiles. I was all zoomed in already and lost his corpse on the little screen. I was so perplexed at where the spider could have gone that I was very, very focused on the little screen of the camera. And then THE SPIDER HAD COME BACK TO LIFE AND WAS DRAGGING ITSELF TOWARDS ME with one front leg it was determindly lurching, lurching towards me! And you all thought I was joking when I last talked about zombie spiders but, IT HAPPENS PEOPLE!!! IT HAPPENED TO ME TONIGHT WHEN I WAS TRYING TO TAKE THE PHOTO OF TOILET SPIDER!

For such a small terror with only one functioning leg (the other legs that would have worked were curled up tight agianst his chest. If they had been out he would have continued to spin in circles) it was lurching pretty fast and I cried out in alarm. Very loudly. At this point Dad had come out from the parent's bedroom with an annoyed "Oh, I'll go and see what's going on out here." By this time the spider had actually dragged itself out of the bathroom altogether and had collapsed, near invisible, on the brown wooden floor outside the bathroom door. I was pretty damn panicy by then and just gestured wildly at the spot the spider was. Dad got the bottle I had placed on the vanity and proceded to try and bottle the zombie-spider-of-doom but was having considerable trouble because the spider had mustered the energy to wildly spaz out again all over the floor.

With my camera still in my hand I took this photo:

"For goodness' sake Rohan! It's a spider for crying out loud!"

Even when he had the spider in the bottle he didn't really have it in the bottle, it was still clinging onto the rim for dear life with its one good leg. If it hadn't been for the paper, the spider would have hauled itself up, over the rim and begun bouncing all over the floor again.

"Good grief! Such a bloomin' commotion over just a little spider!"

As you can probably tell from my Dad's exasperated cries he wasn't very happy about the whole ordeal. Also, the fact I had a camera in my hand didn't help matters. My Dad avoids having his photo taken at all costs.

I suppose he took it outside, where it will breed with normal spiders and infuse its poisoned DNA with otherwise healty spider stock, creating an army of malicious zombie spiders with death-ray ass lasers. Don't think I'm kidding either, I wasn't kidding you the first time...

Fillet

Photographic Proof of Toilet Spider

Mon, 23 Oct 2006 10:18:13 GMT

I bet you didn't believe me about Toilet Spider. I bet you thought I was just making it up to add content to my blog. I bet you didn't think there was such a thing as Toilet Spider except for the one I drew that looked like a poo. Well steel yoursef for pictures depicting the horror that is Toilet Spider!!!

I will post two, even though I took four. The other two are still in the 'blog photos' album though. All of them are fuzzy except for the first one. Mostly because of the terror.

CAN YOU SEE THE GLEAMING EYE OF TOILET SPIDER?!? I TOLD YOU HE HAD A GLEAMING EYE!

Toilet Spider is really starting to creep me out now. I abduceted a smaller spider from my bathroom this evening to avoid having Toilet-Spider-The-Second on my hands later on and I think this pissed the Original Toilet Spider off a little bit becuase he started walking across the floor and stuff wich is something that he's never done before. He's always been a wall-and-toilet kind of spider but now that he's walking across the floor I can't keep track of him becasuse the tiles are green and the spider is brown and he is good at hiding!

TOILET SPIDER WANTS YOU DEAD! DEAD!!!

I only took two more photos after this one because I think the flash was making him kind of mad. I could tell because he started rearing up on his back two sets of legs and waving his front two in a menacing kind of way. Also, after the last one he started freaking out and jumping all over the place. That's when I decided to call it quits while my face was still attached to my head.

No really guys, this is really truely starting to get up my nose. As soon as it comes out of hiding from the toilet or the vanity I'm either going to catch it or kill it. Or I'll get my Dad to catch or kill it. My Dad is like the Ghostbuster of bathroom spiders. There were two times there when I had (and I'm not exagerating here. I'm seriously not I swear) a spider THE SIZE OF A DINNER PLATE in my bathroom. It looked like it came straight from the deepest bowels of the Amazon straight into my bathroom. I'm not kidding. This thing could have eaten an entire bird and not had any trouble. An entire bird guys, a whole freaking bird.

Yeah anyway, my Dad caught it on the two occasions that it came to live in my bathroom only to be discovered by me looking across the room while I was in the shower naked and while it was hanging from the ceiling. He had to catch it in an icecream container it was so big. The first time he even used three really generous squirts from the fly-spray to get it off the wall so he could catch it and it didn't die. It just came back for another round. It's probably so big by now it's terrorising the good citizens of Kyoto. But not after eating Mothra first. (It is called Mothra right guys?)

So yeah, I don't want another Mothra-eating spider in my bathroom which is why I'm so worried about Toilet Spider here. Plus because he has decided to infest the area behind the toilet. If I'm sitting on that thing and only halfway through my business I don't want some spider to come out and jump on me or anything. While I'm sitting on the toilet is when my alertness is at its lowest. It's like my weak-time. When my superpowers are at their lowest. And here comes Toilet Spider to come and exploit that.

Well thankyou Toilet Spider, for being so evil, and so hard to catch.

Fillet

Prologue to Spider Story III

Sun, 22 Oct 2006 13:21:36 GMT

I went to the toilet this evening, you know, sat down on the toilet in my bathroom. I won't dwell on the details but afterwards I got up and the spider that's living in my bathroom was sitting on the wall next to the cistern glaring at me.

Yes, it was literally sitting on the wall and when I got up and looked at it I could see the light glinting out of one of its eight eyes. It has plans I'm sure. Not only is it content to perv on me while I'm sitting on the toilet it's contemplating my horrible, horrible downfall. TOILET SPIDER IS AFTER ME GUYS! TOILET SPIDER WANTS ME DEAD! SAVE ME FROM TOILET SPIDER!

Because I didn't get a photo of Toilet Spider I decided to draw you a picture. Only after I drew it did I realise that the picture of Toilet Spider actually looks like a poo. I know that there's some Freudian slip there but that's fine with me, Toilet Spider is Toilet Spider after all.

Creepily, this is actually pretty close to Toilet Spider's actual size

I knew that I should have moved Toilet Spider on when he was still small and I wasn't afraid of him. You know, before he was Toilet Spider. But I had this idea that if I let it live it would grow to respect me and we'd have this wonderful symbiotic relationship where I would foster him and he would eat my mosquitos. But alas, it wasn't to be. I have a jar sitting, waiting for Toilet Spider right now. I still don't want to kill it, even though it does want me dead. Even though it is nesting behind the sink-cupboard-thing. Even though it has seen me naked in the shower.

So I'm resolved. As soon as Toilet Spider actually comes out onto one of the walls where I can catch him in the jar, I will do so and then blog about it. Let's hope that is soon so that he doesn't get much bigger.

Fillet

Spider Story II

Mon, 12 Jun 2006 12:44:16 GMT

Yes, all your Christmases have come at once, dear readers, I've had another altercation with a spider in the bathroom. Firstly though can I say I posted two posts today, same as a couple of days ago. Some people just don't notice that I've been particularly prolific these couple of days, despite the damage done to my GPA.

For the sake of not using the same joke twice I'll tell it from my point of view this time. If it happens again I may tell it from the point of view of the toilet.

So yeah, I'm in the bathroom last night sitting on the floor clipping my toenails (that was a rather unimportant and slightly gross detail but the point was I was close to the floor). And I'm facing the door. It is closed. I look up once and everything is dandy so I clip another nail. I look up again and everything is still just peaches so I clip another. But the THIRD time (as it always happens) something was amiss. Or rather there was a little extra detail that was most unwelcome for a boy sitting in the bathroom clipping his toenails.

A spider had crawled under the crack of the door and was looking at me.

I totally swear to you it was looking at me! And don't you dare call me paranoid. I stared it off for a while wondering what I should do about this. The first spider story came to mind but this time the spider was on the floor, looking at me, and taking shelter under the doorcrack. If I squashed it now it would only be half squashed and it could probably still crawl in a circular pattern and eat me. But not after invoking some sort of chemical signiature to summon all the other neighbourhood huntsmans to come and devour me while I was sleeping.

'No', I thought, 'better leave it how it is for now. But I couldn't just let it sit there. It could run up my trouser leg while I was brushing my teeth like that mouse-boy in The Witches (can you see I've taken to reading my childhood favourites again?). No. I've got to do something. I'd better keep staring at it until I can figure something out.

Thus began the staring competition between me and the huntsman spider in my bathroom. It lasted only a couple of minutes though because the spider MOVED!!!

Actually it only took a couple of steps.

But it was enough!

'Yes', I thought, 'this is perfect'. Actually I only thought that after I stood up quite suddenly from pure abject terror. I moved to get my ugg boot from the pile of clothes on the floor. I figured it was quite fitting, me squishing the second spider with an ugg boot considering it's winter and I squished the first with a thong in summer (I have a strange sense of irony).

So I took the boot in my hand and I began to psyche myself up to go and squish the mongrel. But as always I just can't on the first couple of goes. I just physically can't bring myself to squish it. I don't know what it is, I think it may be my fear that it will not squish but get stuck to the bottom of the shoe I'm holding and then crawl up my arm and infest my armpit.

So I tried and failed a couple of times to bring down the boot on the little monster. Eventually I suceeded by counting to three and just going for it. But the little bastard just didn't die. See, according to the movies, when you squash a spider, it crunches like a potato chip and green goo exudes from every orifice. Not so. Spiders, well huntsmans anyway, don't crunch at all. They just curl up and act dead and then uncurl and scuttle everywhere.

I didn't let it get to that scuttling stage. As soon as I saw a leg unfurl I whacked it with my ugg boot again. That'll teach it. But then another leg unfurled. I wasn't sure wether it was just a reverse spider form of rigor mortis or what so just to be safe I squished it a third time... then I opened the door, got some flyspray and gave it a good dose of that too.

Now I was fairly confident the spider was dead because by now it was looking quite flat and it didn't spasm when I sprayed it so everything was going well. But now I had a spider corpse near the doorway of my bathroom. I couldn't just leave it there, that would be awful. I'd better give it a fitting burial. I cast around for a good spot. The toilet! I virtually cried in delight. But how do you get a perminantly disabled spider from the bathroom floor to the toilet without touching or by any other means handling the creature?

I got a used toothpaste tube from out of the rubbish bin in my bathroom that was suitably flat and managed to spatula it onto the flat surface and manuver it to the looming toilet bowl. I dropped it once on the way but after jumping out of my skin at the thought of this spider coming back from the dead in poisonous zombie form I just put it back on and plopped it into the bowl. I checked that the spider hadn't been revived by the water in the bowl and wasn't just at that moment clinging on for dear life and sweet sweet revenge before pushing the button with all the ceremony of a great warrior coming back from the war.

I used the full-flush button. Screw the water restrictions. I just can't risk it only getting flushed halfway down only to come back up again while I'm sitting on the loo. No. For this purpose, the water-economy flush just wouldn't do.

Goodbye spider number II. Let that be a lesson to your friends that Rohan the spider hunter is on the loose and he's going to BRING YOU DOWN MAN, BRING YOU ALL THE WAY DOWN!!!!!

I'm not so tragic now

Mon, 16 Jan 2006 06:30:25 GMT

Ok, I'm aware that *nobody* has read my previous blog from yesterday and so, in order to make sense of this one, I request that you go and read that one before you read this one.

Good.

Just so that you guys all know, when I get tired I get very introspective and a little bit depressed. That would explain last night's little torrent of depression and also why my new-year's eve entry in my journal is so blue. (You don't have access to my journal, that comment was more for me). You see, I slept in untill 11:00 today so I'm very perky indeed and feel up to telling you about the incident with the spider in my bathroom two nights ago. For the purposes of the story I am going to tell it from the spider's viewpoint.

I decided to take refuge from the dangers of the bush in a local house until I would be big enough to terrorise the local neighbourhood like my uncle the plate-sized spider who also resided here for many months two years ago. I ran to the bathroom under the cover of darkness a number of nights ago because I thought that there I would find much prey. Last night I had an encounter with the human patron of the bathroom but he did not do anything more that scare me into a corner while he had his shower. Tonight I fear the worst because I know he will return.

Oh no! The human has returned and found me in the worst place imaginable, in the bath. I shall overcome. Run run run out of the bath. He is trying to scare me into the corner again but I'm not falling for that one again. Off I go up the side of the shower. Oh, thank goodness he has left. I will begin to return to my original position. But very slowly. He may return.

He returned. With, what is that? A jar! Not happening. He tried to catch me: once, not happening. He seems to hesitate before closing in. Is he afraid of spiders? Anyway, the jar he is using is too small. That opening will never catch me. He is gone again. I'll stay put this time. I know for sure he will return.

He's back, this time with a bigger jar. Still not happening. He tried to catch me again: once, twice, three, four times. No way, I know his game now. I'm out of here. I run up to the opposite wall while he goes again. I wonder if he has given up or weather he will return.

Back again! This time without a jar. I wonder what? A... cilinder. Green. What does that say? Pea... Bau? Holy crap. He sprays me. AUAGGGGGGGGGGGGGAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!It burns it burns! I'm but an innocent huntsman trying to take up residence in a local shower and this is what happens to me? I run. Run run run. He spays me several more times. Some point blank. I run up to the top of the wall near the cealing. He is waiting. Watching me. What is he waiting for? I can feel the poison running through my system but I know I'll be fine. Simple fly spray cannot kill a spider. I begin spinning long strings of web and letting them out. (Apparantly huntsmans can spin silk but do not make it into a web.) He has left again. I hope to goodness he does not return.

Damnit. What's he holding now? A rolled up excercise book? Why? BANG! Oh that's why. He's holding back again but... BANG! They are getting closer. I think I'll move. I go to the other wall. Now the angle is wrong and he can't hit me anymore. BANG! What on earth? Now he's throwing the book at me? What is this? Doesn't he know it's the middle of the night? He'll wake up the whole house. BANG! Still can't hit me. Now he's gone again. I wonder what he will have next time he returns?

A thong. Dammit this is the end. He takes a swipe. SLAP! Damnit my leg! I hobble over to the shower again on my 7 remaining legs. I sit there conceeded to the end. SLAP! Well that one missed me I hope that... SLAP!

...

I curl into a little dead spider-ball as my conciousness fades. It was a square on hit and I cannot take that anymore. I fall into the bath below the shower. The last thing I hear is the gushing of water and the manic laughter of the human as I tumble down the drain. I will return... next time as a ZOMBIE SPIDER! Mwa hahahaha!

So how did you like it? Thrilling to say the least. Oh, and by the way the laughter at the end was not manic, it was laughter of relief. Look, I gave that spider every chance. I tried to catch it in a bottle so I could release it but it wouldn't listen. It virtually asked to die. Yeah.

Anyway, that's the reason I was so introspective and depressed yesterday. I was tired because this spider refused to be caught. Also did you notice how I finished every paragraph with the word return or returns? I thought it was quite clever. Or not. The outline of the spider is still there where it died. I don't think I'll be telling things from the animal's point of view from now on (or in present tense for that matter) because it takes too long. Also it demonizes the real victim. Me. Sure. I felt truely threatened by that spider. You try showering with one. They freak out and run all over you.

I had a similar experience with an mosquito last night but I shant retell it here. I'm sure you've all lived through that story.

I was going to write something else but I've forgotten. Oh yes! Now I remember. I got my electoral details recorded so I can vote after the 5th of March (My Birthday). Down you come Mr Howard.